But ... but I had Broadway!

Oh dear. If I manage my future finances the same way I manage my money in Monopoly, I'll pretty much fail at life.

Tonight me and my family got together and did something we hadn't done for years: Play Monopoly. Boy, do I ever get excited when we start that game up. I think, "Man, I am TOTALLY going to show these guys who's got the brains in this family."

I now bring you:

How to lose at Monopoly, Jessica-style!

• Tip #1: DISTRACTION

Say you've just landed on your little sister's triple-threat hotel plaza. Don't panic! Now, the rules state that you only have to PAY rent if they DEMAND it of you. So if they don't happen to notice where you've landed, you're home free. I like to pull this off by keeping a lively conversation throughout the game so that people aren't paying attention to their pieces. When I land on said triple-threat hotel plaza, I'll just act casual and make sure to knock over one of the card decks, spill my water on the board, or point out the window and yell, "OH MY GOSH! A COW'S IN THE BACKYARD!!"

This worked on my mom often. We all played this distraction-game and probably owed her at least $400 without her knowing it.

• Tip #2: Skimming

This tip is for you sneaky players who like to play Corrupt Landowner-style Monopoly.

Someone landed on your puny $8-dollar-rent lot. You demand rent from them. But you ask $10 instead of $8. How do you get away with this? Because no one's keeping track of your rent prices listed on your cards, and so long as you're not charging $50, there's likely to be no protest. Just don't pull it on your opponents too often, or else someone's going to catch on and pistol-whip you.

• Tip #3: Buy, Buy, Buy!

Buy as much crap-land as you can, as SOON as you can. This is a foolproof strategy and will guarantee you riches beyond your imagination. The end.

• Tip #4: Don't Trust Dad

You always have that one player who's some sort of financial genius. In this case, it's my dad. Don't sell him anything. PERIOD. Chances are, the seemingly-substantial amount of money he offers you for your Kentucky Ave. property will look like chicken feed compared to what you'll owe him in rent once he turns ol' Kentucky into a hotel chain.

And there you have it, folks! Play like this and you'll be out of the game within 15 minutes, just like Jessica.